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Pick of the week

22nd April 2012

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Here's my pick of last weeks best stories and pictures.

Disclaimer: Any comments I make are purely satirical, totally without foundation, and indeed likely tapped in while I was thinking of something else entirely.

Dannii Minogue - X-simony (click to view)
The practice of massaging the ego of a talent-scout media mogul for favourable spiritual or Church celebritising benefits and opportunities. A practice liable to to cause discomfort when, to avoid deflation, said ego needs perpetual inflation.

• Simon Cowell (on Dannii Minogue): 'I had a crush on her. It was Dannii's hair, the sexy clothes, and the t**s.'. And he wants you to know he fucked her (

No big secret though—Sharon Osbourne says Simon's affair was no secret, blasting Dannii for her sole reason of taking part in the show as being to 'f*** Simon'.

So let me guess, Sharon mailed him a witchy brew of batwing and lizard tails and a turd in a box? (

Updated 1st October 2013.
“She said she found working with her to be ‘unbearable’ as Dannii became increasingly close to show boss and head judge Simon Cowell and began calling the shots.”

• Carry on, your majesty: Hampton Court Palace exhibition aims to show the Stuart period took a 'highly robust attitude to sex but without the nod-nod, wink-wink that we have.' (

All visitors entitled to a complmentary hand-job from work placement student in Nell Gwyn costume and Barbara Windsor mask in the maze after.

Rihanna nipple slipping bikinis pictures shared by … Rihanna (

• Rihanna's First Date In Two Years: Singer Steps Out With Melissa Forde (

'Beautiful is great, submissive is even better.' All was fine until Tupac hologram sprung out of RiRi's strap-on to proclaim he's not dead but needs to keep the franchise alive to save Elvis and buy burgers for Suge Knight.

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Tags: Dannii Minogue, Rihanna, Simon Cowell