Pick of the week—Best of 2012
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Here's my pick of the best celebrity, arts, tech. & just damn quirky stories and pictures of 2012.
Disclaimer: Any comments I make are purely satirical, totally without foundation, and were likely the reason I didn't get an invite to your Facebook again this year. Well fuck 'ya!
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2012 Best of …
Leaked pictures & sex tapes
Back in September, Scarlett Johansson fell foul of a nefarious serial celeb hacker who showed the world her bare bum!
The FBI took a great interest (wouldn't you) and caught up with the email interloper, handing him a ten year stretch at the close of the year.
And the lesson to be learnt here? Keep an eye on mail forwarding in your email account.
June had cell phone pictures of Jersey Shore's Snooki and Angelina "leaked".
Note the quotes though, remembering that Snooki had tried to sell some before on a site she'd set up. But a least this time we got a totally uncensored legs-up pussy self-shot in the mirror!
March saw both Olivia Munn and Christina Hendricks having snaps leaked—although there provenance remains questionable.
Perhaps the most sticky leak of the year though was in the form of Tulisa Contostavlos's blow-jobbing, tittie-fucking sex tape.
The video was leaked by her former boyfriend and N-Dubz bandmate Justin "Fazer" Edwards because she dumped him her cat dissed him.
Tulisa's legal team (and her dad) scrambled to remove it from Simon Cowell's DVD player, but as with anything on the Internet there really was no putting that banana back in the box once she'd sucked on it.
The lesson to be learnt here? That's right, anyone filming sex acts on their phone should just send then to me and they'll go no further.
I guess a special mention should be of the Hulk Hogan sex tape with "obsessed" Heather Clem.
Leaked in October and nominated as "the worst sex tape ever" it did wonders for canopied bed sales.
All told, a terrible year for Lindsay Lohan which hit rock bottom in December when her anticipated comeback in made-for-TV movie Liz & Dick couldn't get it up, her probation was revoked, and possessions including "potentially embarrassing" items were set to be auctioned after she couldn't pay the storage bill! Poor LiLo!
October saw Emma Watson having to cane Fifty Shades of Grey film role rumours, proving that facts don't get in the way of a better story.
August saw a nude photoshoot of Miranda Kerr by Laurent Darmon which she promptly "banned", precipitating a search frenzy for the pictures.
July had Kristen Stewart break R-Patz's Byronic heart with a clit-licking affair with Rupe Sanders which shed light on speculation that she'd got new titties (and boy, did I get it in the neck for the caricature sketch I did of those caricature boobies from the dark horde of hormonal teenage Twilight fanfic writers on Twitter who thought I was being serious!)
May saw "Octomom" Nadya Suleman finally sign on for a porn slot to keep the bailiffs away.
.:: Top column 2 ::.
Oops! Best wardrobe malfunctions
First up, Boxing Day gave a naked Rihanna caught changing bikini in Barbados, and what a candid ass'tastic treat it was!
In the lead up to Christmas, December also saw Anne Hathaway flashing her landing strip.
November saw Rita Ora slipped a nipple at the Red Bull Culture Clash.
¡Ay, caramba! Sofia Vergara's cheeks wanted in on the action at the Emmys …
And Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton's bared bush and titties made heads roll!
September had AnnaLynne McCord flashing her furry bit …
And Alison Pill was a topless tweet!
August saw Katy Perry's bare bottom at Raging Waters.
June saw the queen of wardrobe malfunction Lindsay Lohan giving a peek at her pink nips in a Liz and Dick on set oops …
April had a long-awaited Miley Cyrus non-fake oops, with her bare pussy making its debut in an upskirt shot.
March saw Cheetah Girl Adrienne Bailon give an epic flash of her smooth pussy.
Arts, tech. & funnies
November had McAfee founder John McAfee on the run from Belizean police after neighbor's murder, before Twitter put an end to what had become an Internet version of Where's Waldo …
McAfee was deported to the United States in December with Belizean authorities named him as a “person of interest” but not a suspect in the shooting. He claimed the fire at his property was “suspicious”.
Chriky, case has more convolutions than Lost! I half expected him to pop up out of the sand when I was playing Farcry 3 the other night.
Princess Leia had those buns replaced by mouse ears when Disney bought Star Wars …
And the tradition of celebrities posing nude and pregnant caused Guardian art critic Jonathan Jones to assert that pregnancy is now a fig leaf for artists painting nakedness!
September saw it reported that literotica mummy-porn sensation Fifty Shades Of Grey had Brits renting more erotic movies.
Widely ridiculed it proved, even if you hadn't read it, an interesting conversation hook all year: I mean, what can be wrong with getting women to chat about their bondage sex fantasies at South-East Essex barbeques!
Invariably that upset elder porn fans gentlemen who voiced they didn't like the idea of those women things getting moist over badly wrote porn and went back to extolling the intellectual appeal of huge-breasted lingerie models in Nuts.
March sadly saw both French comic book artist Jean Giraud, known internationally by his pen names Moebius and Gir, and Ralph McQuarrie, the conceptual artist who brought Star Wars to life pass away. Sadly missed.
That's my pick of the best of 2012. If I missed your favourite I hope you'll let me know.
Catch snaps & stories for next month’s picks daily in latest picks.
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