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Pick of the week

Pick of the Week—Best of 2013

31st December 2013

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Here’s the best of my grab-bag pick of the best illustration inspiring celebrity gossip, scandals, arts, entertainment, & just plain quirky stories & picture sexiness for 2013.

Disclaimer: Any comments I make are purely satirical, totally without foundation, and likely were best wrote before tonight’s festivities, that’s for sure!

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2013 Best of …

Celeb stories

Britney Spears quit X Factor

Did she jump or was she pushed? January saw Britney Spears quit X Factor USA, but did she jump or was she merely escorted away for being too… boring?

Options reconsidered by her management led to hotels begining a bidding war for a Vegas residency, because, if Elvis could eat-out Sin City’s crime syndication, Brit-Brit could do similar with fried-chicken!

Shakira pregnant posing

January also saw Shakira do the done thing and pose her baby bump much to the delight of those with the pregnancy fetishism that bumped into the popular culture mainstream with Demi Moore’s Vanity Fair.

Nicki Minaj stormed off American Idol set

Nicki Minaj’s fued with Mariah Carey flaired up again, with the American Idol judges almost coming to blows over a contestant in January, Nicki slamming “insecure, bitter” Mariah on Twitter in May, before they jumped ship in unison in June as the show hit the ratings rocks.

Beyoncé, Super Bowl 2013

February saw Beyoncé make up for her inauguration lip-syncing by winning the Super Bowl, but asking for un-flatteringly fierce photos to be pulled.

Tulisa Contostavlos

Not a great year by far for Tulisa Contostavlos with February seeing her get the X Factor axe and, after splitting from Danny Simpson in June, found herself the target of a tabloid sting which netted her supplying cocaine and puzzlingly, false promises by some mystery fakkar of new career in Bollywood!

Anonymous hackers leaked documents claiming Emma Watson attached to Fifty Shades of Grey film

March saw hacktivism jump the shark with Anonymous hackers leaking documents purporting Emma Watson was in for the Fifty Shades of Grey flick after all!

The flick finally had a release date annouced in July but after rumours of Mila Kunis back in January following on from Alexis Bledel last year, when casting was finally named as Dakota Johnson and Charlie Hunnam Jamie Dornan in September it’s inevitable over-hyped dissapointment protests ensued.

Emma Watson still bound to Fifty Shades of Grey rumours
March saw hacktivism jump the shark with Anonymous hackers leaking documents purporting Emma Watson was in for the Fifty Shades of Grey flick.
Spring Breakers premier reviews

March finally saw the long-awaited Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens bikini-fest Spring Breakers released. So how’d it do?.

Amanda Bynes tweeted a graphic invitation to her vagina to Drake

March also saw Amanda Bynes tweet a graphic invitation to her vagina to rapper Drake. Sadly, as many had assumed, Amanda proved to have been most unwell during her Twitter outbursts and thankfully accepted treatment to which she responded well (

Amanda Bynes renews her open invitation to Drake
March saw Amanda Bynes give a wide open invitation to Drake.
Kim Kardashian huge pregnant boobies

March saw Kim Kardashian and her rappin’ tailor beau Kanye West capitalising on the gigantic G cups pregnancy had lent her and June had her show off her huge baby bump in bikini days before giving birth.

Kim Kardashian pregnant nude
Doing my bit now that pregnancy is now a fig leaf for artists and nakedness. Rub the belly and leave an offering for good luck or success.
Lindsay Lohan Brazilian boob

Lindsay Lohan topless in The Canyons

Certainly not the best of years again for Lindsay Lohan but made much more bearable for us in April when she greeted Florianópolis in Brazil breast-first on arrival.Thankfully, her fashion gig it seems featured little in the way of brassieres.

August saw her bare her ginger juggs in The Canyons to much critical unattention, alas.

Gwyneth Paltrow went commando for Iron Man 3 premiere

May had Gwyneth Paltrow go commando for the Iron Man 3 premiere but things got ugly on Twitter when People crowned her world’s most beautiful woman and the lifestyle goop guru kept on (and on) talking about shaving that 70s bush.

Christina Aguilera, Maxim magazine

May had Christina Aguilera proudly show off her dramatic weight loss but tell how she’d not lost the love for those curves, and Xtina was red hot for Maxim in September..

Have Cara Delevingne and Rita Ora falled out over stage dirty dancing?
Rihanna and Cara Delevingne super-yacht holiday on the French Riviera
Iggy Azalea

June saw Rita Ora and quirky face-pulling Brit top model “wifey” Cara Delevingne fall out over some dirty up-the-bum dancing which delivered Cara to Rita-rival Rihanna who whisked each other away like crazy on a boozy holiday in July in turn leaving Rita tongue to tongue with Iggy Azalea before making up and out again as BFF in October. Awww!

Lady Gaga nude for Abramovic Method

August had Lady Gaga get nude and artpopishly primal for and the “Abramovic Method”, which seemed to cause many other musos to take her act much more seriously than anyone else does.

Lady Gaga—Upherarse Method
Lady Gaga moving on from the Abramovic to the more PoMo Upherarse Method.
Miley Cyrus VMA performance
Miley Cyrus, Wrecking Ball

September then saw Miley Cyrus twerk the VMAs and a wrecking ball was smashed through polite society which she was naked on.

Splitting with Liam Hemsworth and hooking up with her producer Mike Will Made It (quite soar I’m sure) a veritable overture of debauched twerkage, tongue pokage and crotch grabbage ensued repleat with twerking dwarves and face pulling mushrooms. It all proved too much for some though, pursuading many, if not all, of her once eager elder gentleman fans that they didn’t, indeed hadn‘t, really liked her after all and many old tears were shed I’m sure.

Miley Cyrus, Terry Richardson photoshoot
Abdel Fattah el-Sisi

In October she finally answed a long asked question: “just how big are those areolas after all?” for saintly Terry Richardson.

Widely eyed to become TIME magazine’s person of the year for causing all that fuss, she was suprising pipped to the post at the last minute by the Egyptian general who ousted former President Mohamed Morsi, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, who gratefully planned much celebration with his own wrecking balls and a brand new shopping mall with a Harvey Nichols.

Rihanna, GQ’s 25th anniversary edition

October saw Rihanna lick Damien Hirst’s snake for GQ’s 25th anniversary. The serpent finally recovered but has since retired from that scene.

Rihanna Halloween
A suspiciously phallic serpent delivering a sticky Halloween trick or treat for Rihanna.
Dai Macedo, Miss BumBum Brazil 2013

And finally, after much controversy rumouring the contest was rigged, November saw Dai Macedo crowned Miss BumBum Brazil 2013 with her her 42in bunda enorme!

.:: Top column 2 ::.
Miley Cyrus—trashy tongue
Not only did Miley Cyrus twerk the VMAs, she owned up to having a very trashy tongue too!

Leaked pictures & sex tapes

Fatima Florez leaked sex tape

February saw a sex tape leaked of busty Argentinian dancer and comic impressionist Fátima Florez. As you can see, she’s quite big indeed over there.

Miss Delaware Teen USA, Melissa King, resigns after porn video controversy

March saw Miss Delaware Teen USA Melissa King resign after turning up in an amateur porn film replete with a full-on facial.

Roswell’s Shiri Appleby self-shot full frontal nude selfie leaked

March gave a self-shot full frontal leaked nude selfie from Roswell’s Shiri Appleby.

Farrah Abraham: Back Door Teen Mom

One of the most poked stories of the year came right up in April when Teen Mom’s Farrah Abraham made a “sex tape” with porn star James Deen!

Featuring much back-door action and that female phenomenon squirting—once known as peeing—much was made of it both up and down and with its authenticity as a leaked sex tape receiving heavy rear pounding, nerves frayed with Farrah accusing Dean of having a small dinkle despite much gaping POV evidence of of the backdoor impact it had on her to the contrary. It bought her new non-porn boobs in June though.

Paulina Rubio caught urinating into sea

July saw Paulina Rubio thwart a blackmailing paparazzo with images of her pissing into the sea by tweeting the images herself!

Spring Breakers nude
The nudity in Spring Breakers may not have been at all what we’d hoped, but we had to make do.

Oops! Best wardrobe malfunctions

Ashley Greene wet camel toe

January saw sweaty sweat pants a gym area issue for Ashley Greene—either that or she peed herself, your call.

Vanessa Hudgens' furry beaver had one helluva workout or she peed herself

Vanessa Hudgens’ soaked crotch went on to make a similar, more convincingly peed appearance in March.

Miranda Kerr beach cartwheel flash

February saw Miranda Kerr flash her lady nest during a beach cartwheel.

Kate Moss, london no knickers upskirt

July saw Kate Moss wearing no knickers filming in London.

Toni Braxton concert oops

August saw Toni Braxton bare her bum for New Jersey concert-goers.

Jennifer Nicole Lee, pool oops, Miami
Jennifer Nicole Lee bikini malfunction

Jennifer Nicole Lee give some full bootage pool slippage in September and her cho cho in October!

Iggy Azalea MTV EMAs in Amsterdam oops

November had Iggy Azalea give some oops exposure at the MTV EMAs in Amsterdam.

Nina Agdal Bebe’s Spring 2014 campaign oops

November saw Nina Agdal slip a tittie for Bebe’s Spring 2014 campaign.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, British Fashion Awards nip slip

And finally, December saw Rosie Huntington-Whiteley fashionably slip a nip at the British Fashion Awards.

Lindsay Lohan—loose in Brazil
Thankfully, brassieres were not much in evidence in the clothing collection LiLo was to promote on Brazilian gig in April.

Arts, culture, tech. & funnies

Asteroid to give Earth a record-setting close shave on Valentines

February saw a giant asteroid give Earth a record-setting close shave on Valentine’s day, predictably jumped on by those claiming 14th February may be humankind’s last hurrah and chance to do it up there.

Banksy Slave labour set-for auction

Anger was roused in February when Banksy’s Poundland mural was ripped from wall and set for auction in Miami further raising a chuckle from him I guess at the furore of a piece of anti-establishment public art being pinched for profit and tax-payers pennies being spent to repair the damage and hold back the disconsolate public art pilgrims at the wailing wall.

Banksy monthlong New York scrawl

October saw the anti-establishment art rascal on a monthlong scrawl on the streets of NYC, bringing riches to any on a street corner he’d done his thing with access to cardboard and an intimidating scowl to cover it and charge for a peek. Most critics just didn’t get it, but someone, okay, his biographer aimed to prove them wrong.

Google Glass

Google Glass was all the hype long before its release, showing tech. specs in action in February, much being made of that it would not be welcome everywhere and that it would not be hitting the shelves until 2014 anyway in April. Google said “NO” to porn apps on Glass in June, but that did little to stop porn trying to still give a squirt in the eye in July.

UK porn opt-in to be enforced

Much was made and a lot more misunderstood by British P.M. David Cameron’s attempts to crackdown on internet porn to divert attention protect the innocent. Suprisingly, this was one occassion where the usually contrary reacting Ukip opportunist leader Nigel Farage for once did not step in to insist he liked prolapse porn and Little England should be welcome to have it!

Pacu, nicknamed the “ball cutter”

Swedish men were warned in August to keep trunks and a look out for testicle-eating fish found on the loose in Sweden.

The Silk Road

October saw The Silk Road, the webs nefarious underground drugs and hitmen-for-hire bazaar shut down by FBI.

Vladimir Putin

Lastly, no longer content to just wrestle bears, October also saw Vladimir Putin gear up to battle zombie hordes in a video game.

Xtina, sized-down, but thankfully not quite saying “bye to thigh”
Xtina, sized-down, but thankfully not quite saying “bye to thigh!”

And finally, sad news

Ray Harryhausen obituary

May saw feted special effects creator Ray Harryhausen sadly pick up those tired but much loved bones and finally roll wagon for Gwangi.

Angelina Jolie

May then had Angelina Jolie tremendously bravely reveal she had a double mastectomy because of faulty BRCA1 gene in an open letter to the NY Times. #bcaware

Final Jenni Rivera footage to be broadcast on show

May also had the final footage of Diva de la Banda Jenni Rivera broadcast on I Love Jenni.

Jim Kelly, Enter the Dragon

July saw Enter the Dragon’s Jim Kelly pass on.

That’s it

So there you have it, those were my picks of the year. Did I miss anything? If you feel so, please let me know. Wishing you a wonderful start to 2014!


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Tags: Amanda Bynes, Angelina Jolie, Ashley Greene, Beyonce, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Dai Macedo, Emma Watson, Farrah Abraham, Fatima Florez, Iggy Azalea, Jenni Rivera, Jennifer Nicole Lee, Kate Moss, Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga, Lindsay Lohan, Mariah Carey, Melissa King, Miranda Kerr, Miley Cyrus, Nicki Minaj, Nina Agdal, Paulina Rubio, Rihanna, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Selena Gomez, Shakira, Shiri Appleby, Toni Braxton, Tulisa Contostavlos, Vanessa Hudgens.


Illustrations, paintings, and cartoons featuring caricatured celebrities are intended purely as parody and fantasised depictions often relating to a particular news story, and often parodying said story and the media and pop cultural representation of said celebrity as much as anything else. Who am I really satirising? Read more.

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