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Pick of the week

Pick of the Week

2nd May 2015

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Here’s my grab-bag pick of the best illustration inspiring celebrity gossip, scandals, arts, entertainment, & just plain quirky stories & picture sexiness. A round-up for busy pervs. There’s pictures—reading optional.

Disclaimer: Any comments I make are purely satirical, totally without foundation, and presumably fine as long as the “wide range of ‘pleasure-enhancing’ products including massage oils, scented candles and creams” are not used to make dawaa.

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Pick of the best stories & pics

See also:

Recent/related stories:

Selena Gomez got topless and “Loitia-ish” for V (Pick of the Week, 22nd February 2015)

Kendall Jenner’s thighs gave a dog a bone for V (celebexposuredigest

Kendall Jenner, V magazine

Recent/related stories:

Kendall Jenner gave bunny bare bum “Hoppy” Easterage (Pick of the Week, 8th April 2015)

For sure, so you’ll have to make do with this (Gallery) or one of the many, many Miley vagina fakes out there until… Wednesday week? Then again: Porn Star Pick Miley May, the Miley Cyrus lookalike (Latest Picks 21st Mar. 2015).

Recent/related stories:

Miley Cyrus hiked perfunctory pokeage (Pick of the Week, 8th April 2015)
Miley Cyrus gave happy hippy pokeage (Pick of the Week, 22nd February 2015)
Miley Cyrus got her baps out and wet in Hawaii (Pick of the Week, 31st January 2015)
“The social media quarrel sparked after the 22-year-old pop diva covered up her ‘vagina’ ink with a rose at GEE’s Spot in North Hollywood. … Three weeks later, [tattoo artist] Ashley McMullen ranted that Demi never paid her for the pursed lips tattoo, and accused her of being a ‘slobby drunk a**’ and urinating ‘all over our toilet seat.’”

Come again? Well, it wasn’t “a vagina”, it was “pursed lips”, but obviously Desmond Morris ( wasn’t the only one to see a resemblance here and suggesting she “never paid” and being a “slobby drunk” is pretty much just heavily inked “” vernacular emotivism for… well:

“‘You never even gave me a shout out,’ the Schenectady-based artist commented on Lovato’s Instagram. ‘What a shame that people look up to you. The tattoo you covered it with kinda sucks too. Looks like you might forever be a goon. #demilovato #scumbag #turd #claimstobesober #drankallthebeer #peepeetoiletseat #yousuck.’”

Ouch! That does sound rather “bitter”; I bet there’s a whole group dedicated to it on one or more of those paid subscription user-submitted content sites too.

Demi Lovato, ‘vagina’ ink

Updated 18th May 2015

Demi Lovato gives “vagina tattoo artist” strongly worded err… apology as verbal battle continues (

“Dear Ashley McMullen, I wasn’t going to acknowledge your bitter Instagram comments but since your side of the story has picked up some headlines, I would like to share my thoughts and send you a proper apology.

“First, I would like to say I’m really sorry I don’t remember you or getting tattooed by you, but as you know I was f--ked up and sometimes people act like ‘#turds’ when they’re loaded.

“Second, I apologize for my ‘#peepeetoiletseat’… That wasn’t on purpose, I was simply a drunken teenage girl.

“Lastly, I apologize for making fun of your work. But… if I were you, I wouldn’t claim that one because it looked more like an open vagina (or even a butt hole as my 8 year old little sister called it at the time.)”

Recent/related stories:

Demi Lovato posted pooch portage bikini bottom (Pick of the Week, 8th April 2015)

Recent/related stories:

Nina Agdal got a tittie out for the Editorialist (Pick of the Week, 19th February 2014)

Zoe Kravitz was topless for Flaunt (celebexposuredigest

Zoe Kravitz, Flaunt magazine

Recent/related stories:

Recent/related stories:

Kate Moss gave boob, bush and naked ass for Lui (Pick of the Week, 5th March 2014)

Recent/related stories:

Maitland Ward got body paintingly naked for Living Art (Pick of the Week, 8th April 2015)
Maitland Ward gave High Voltage photoshoot (Pick of the Week, 18th March 2015)

Recent/related stories:

LiLo gave #ShowItWhileYouGotIt nippleage on Instagram (Pick of the Week, 8th April 2015)

Energetic singer and dancer FKA Twigs in the tub (celebexposuredigest

FKA Twigs, Instagram

Alexa PenaVega gave #FitnessPhotoFriday abs (celebexposuredigest

Alexa PenaVega, Instagram

See also:

Recent/related stories:

Recent/related stories:

“Teigen explained why she chose not to alter the ‘imperfect’ images.I actually am working on a cookbook and I was bumping around in the kitchen and the door handle would just nick me every single time. And I was actually just taking a picture of the bruises and then I saw the stretch marks in there. I have those apps, the Facetune and Photoshopping ones, and I just didn’t feel like doing it anymore—and I’m never doing it again, because I think we forgot what normal people look like now.”

Recent/related stories:

Chrissy Teigen gave Miami Beach photoshoot titties (Pick of the Week, 18th March 2015)
Chrissy Teigen gave Times Square pokeage (Pick of the Week, 14th January 2015)

Tongue teasers

Alexa PenaVega gave #NewObsession Whosay tongue (celebritytonguedigest

Alexa PenaVega, Instagram

See also:

Selena Gomez gave “I want tacos” tongue (celebritytonguedigest

Selena Gomez, Instagram

See also:

Charli XCX gave “thank u tokyo” tongue (celebritytonguedigest

Charli XCX, Instagram

Recent/related stories:

Charli XCX gave “Put ur middle fingers up” tongue (Pick of the Week, 20th April 2015)
Charli XCX gave Brit Awards sideboob (Pick of the Week, 18th March 2015)

Recent/related stories:

JoJo gave poolside #moblessins (Pick of the Week, 20th April 2015)
JoJo mega babe cleavage for Nikko La Mere (Pick of the Week, 17th September 2014)
JoJo shared post-workout clear stare cleavage (Pick of the Week, 2nd August 2014)

Sarah Hyland gave Kentucky Derby tongue tweet (celebritytonguedigest

Sarah Hyland, Kentucky Derby

Recent/related stories:

Sarah Hyland & Vanessa Hudgens gave photobooth birthday tongue (Pick of the Week, 19th December 2014)
Sarah Hyland gave BEAT MS Dance Walk camel toe—and tongue! (Pick of the Week, 21st October 2014)

.:: Top column 2 ::.

Well I thought it was all about the booty now?

Selena Gomez message for those shaming critics (

“A few negative remarks weave their way into the comments section of Gomez’s photo, but the post also has more than a million likes and thousands of affirmative comments that say ‘beautiful’ and ‘you are awesome,’ and too many heart symbols to count.”
“Michelle Keegan has been crowned the world’s sexiest woman—in a list also featuring Susanna Reid and Mary Berry.”

“Family practical” Great British Bake Off judge Mary Berry ( a hallowed hot-pot. Who knew!

“The former Coronation Street actress, 27, tops the poll for FHM magazine, after ranking second last year.”

Recent/related stories:

Arts, culture, tech. & funnies

“Masturbation is forbidden under Islam, so the shop will not be selling vibrators, sex dolls or other similar toys, nor will it stock pornographic material [and] should be careful not to use ‘pornographic’ language… ‘For example, instead of ‘horny’ we use ‘desiring’. These details are important.’”

For sure, showing again that one gal or guy’s sex aid is another’s… scented candle I guess and that modesty preserving burqa was really all about the Dance of the Seven Veils after all.

Recent/related stories:

“At a funeral in Hebei province, two strippers ‘wearing revealing clothes danced on a stage at a public square in our village at night,’ an eyewitness told the state-run Global Times. ‘They first danced passionately and then took off their clothes piece by piece. Behind them, an electronic screen was displaying a picture of the deceased with elegiac couplets on either side.’”

Why? You might ask:

“Striptease used to be a common practice at funerals in Donghai’s rural areas to allure viewers. Local villagers believe that the more people who attend the funeral, the more the dead person is honoured.”

Not a new practice and perhaps not just an attempt to venerate the dead by the numbers pulled off or in:

“The purpose of the strippers is not only to attract crowds but to ‘appease wandering spirits’ as well as give the deceased ‘one last hurrah’.”—Funeral strippers (Wikipedia)

Sorta one last attempt to make a dead man stand.

Recent/related stories:

Shanghai police chase mysterious nocturnal female streaker (Pick of the Week, 17th October 2013)
“Speaking at Microsoft’s annual Build developers conference, Microsoft’s corporate vice president of operating systems Joe Belfiore explained that all Windows 10 devices will ship with the new browser, eventually replacing Internet Explorer for good.”

But will still likely have the “coolness” factor of particularly ugly plaid. Will it have anything to make it any good though?

“Edge is significantly faster than its predecessor and includes a built-in notation tool….”

Yep, you’ll be able to scribble things on it with your pen or stylus.

Microsoft Edge
“Edge will also be capable of supporting Chrome and Firefox extensions, allowing developers to carry their favourite plug-ins to the new browser.”

Perhaps allowing those indispensable add-ons such as Adblock Plus and NoScript to make up for the unsandbagged security shortcummings which have always seemingly dogged it. Who knows?

Recent/related stories:

Microsoft’s new HoloLens, What you need to know (Pick of the Week, 31st January 2015)
Mozilla tells Google, it’s not you anymore, it’s Yahoo (Pick of the Week, 26th November 2014)

The world stopped spinning briefly while people checked the spinning hands on their wrists—and yours—to see if they—and you—need an Apple watch.

“I had just enough time to get the hang of how to use it, see what apps look like, and mess around with the digital crown.”

But that was long enough for people to stop and stare at it—and me—and marvel at the intricate… branding.

“It’s a bit odd to get excited over how sharp and colorful a smartwatch’s screen is, since it’s tiny and isn’t really meant for long-term interaction. I won’t spend hours starting at it everyday the same way I would with my phone or tablet.”

I won’t… but I did, and so did everyone around me with a hand over their mouth mesmorised by its… awesome…

“I imagine most people will be using the Apple Watch to check notifications, make sure they’re getting their daily exercise, and for summoning the occasional Uber from their wrist—all tasks that warrant a quick glance.”

Oh my Gawd! It even makes me want to exercise! The legs of those around me turned to jelly.

“I still think the screen is a bit too small to really enjoy using Instagram, but that doesn’t change how nice the photos looked—even if they were tiny.”

Awww, come on—The Automated Instagram Nipple Checker Bot controller is gonna have a fun ol’ time squinting into that, isn’t she… “Is that a nipple? Or a speck of dirt?” But useability isn’t at this point what it’s really about, is it:

Why is buying an Apple Watch such a massive fuss? (

Well, because really they—and we—would’t want it any other way.

“Buying an Apple Watch is a strange experience … it’s tricky to even do at all: you can’t simply walk into a shop with £300 and walk out with a watch. Instead, … you book an appointment, arrive for a 15-minute ‘fitting’, and, at the end of it all, walk over to an iPad to order one online for delivery.”

Presumably tweeting about your progress every step of the way.

“In fact, the whole buying experience is emblematic of the way in which Apple is emphasising the ‘watch’ aspect of ‘smartwatch’. Try and track down tech-specs for the devices, and you’ll be stymied … but information such as manufacturing process, materials, and timekeeping accuracy have been trumpeted for months.”

Yep, you can even get a real gold one I read, to further boost it’s real function.

Gold Apple Watch
“Nowhere is this clearer than the one place in Britain where one can buy a watch in person: Dover Street Market, a luxury boutique in London’s Mayfair. There, Apple has set up a small boutique—a table, really—on the edge of the ground floor, squeezed in between £1,000 blazers and if-you-have-to-ask jewellery.”

Updated 27th May 2015

Son of China’s richest man bought 2 gold Apple Watches for his dog (

“I have new watches! I’m supposed to have four watches since I have four long legs. But that seems too tuhao [rich and vulgar] so I kept it down to two, which totally fits my status. Do you have one?”
The dogs bollocks
The dogs bollocks, or one of his Apple watches at least.

But once you have it, what does it actually… do? Not much on that yet—there’s more important things to consider:

“The Apple Watch Sport will smash if you repeatedly throw it at the ground in an attempt to break it, a man has found in spectacular fashion. … Test follows on from finding out how an iPhone 6 deals with being thrown in boiling Coca-Cola.”

No shit, Sherlock! I can’t wait for the sledgehammer and pneumatic drill test. But no matter, it’s a must-have, whatever you have to do:

Revenue from tattoo removals up 440% even before Apple Watch issues discovered (

“There was some bad news for heavily tattooed tech junkies this week after it was revealed that the Apple Watch won’t work properly over ink.”

Time to get shot of that full arm tribal tattoo which took six months to complete… that’s so… yesterday; but I’d hate to be on Twitter when she finds out you removed it! #YouNeverEvenGaveMeAShoutOut

Updated 5th October 2015.

Apple Watch 2 with thinner design and performance improvement rumoured in 2016 (

“The sequel to the current Apple Watch is rumoured to be launched in mid-to-late 2016. A research memo by financial services firm Cowen and Company suggests the second generation Apple Watch or, Apple Watch 2, will come in an even thinner size and receive some performance boost.”

Indeed, slimmer on the wrist when sleave rolled up to show but still little on what you are to actually do with that “performance boost”.

Updated 10th July 2015.

Apple Mickey Mouse Watch?
Apple Mickey Mouse Watch?

Apple Watch: Sales of much-vaunted gadget fall by 90 per cent in the US, study finds (

“Slice said about 35,000 devices a day were being sold in the US in April. But, it claimed, by 1 July daily sales had slumped to 2,500—a drop of about 90 per cent.”

And while they hope quickly moving on to music streaming may sweep the watches hands under the carpet the much hyped damn things alarm—one of the few things did have, albeit something many other other watches have had for some time—likely won’t let it go so quietly, unlike many of the other Apple fails many easily forget.

What? You mean Apple fail? Sure, remember Newton, Copland, Pippin, G4 Cube?

Rotten to the core: Apple’s 10 greatest FAILS (, Feb. 2014).

Updated 31st May 2015.

Apple says sporadic Apple Watch heart rate readings are a feature, not a bug (

“When the Apple Watch first came out, it recorded your heart rate every ten minutes, as advertised. After an update last week, however, users noticed that the readings became more sporadic. Now, Apple is responding to complaints by saying that missed readings are by design, not a bug in the watch’s software.”

Perhaps rightly so when “you’re in motion or your arm is moving” as an accurate reading may not be given, but that it failed to deliver its “attempts to measure your heart rate every 10 minutes” and each and every ten minutes says more about the likely over expectations of purchasers expecting it to do… something, anything in excess to telling the time.

Recent/related stories:

Is Google Glass doomed? (Pick of the Week, 19th December 2014)
Did Apple’s maps spy the Loch Ness Monster? (Pick of the Week, 21st April 2014)

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Tags: Alexa Vega, Cassie Scerbo, Charli XCX, Chrissy Teigen, Demi Lovato, FKA Twigs, Joanna “JoJo” Levesque, Kate Moss, Kendall Jenner, Lily Inge Newmark, Lindsay Lohan, Maitland Ward, Melissa Reeves, Michelle Keegan, Miley Cyrus, Nina Agdal, Sarah Hyland, Selena Gomez, Zoe Kravitz .

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Illustrations, paintings, and cartoons featuring caricatured celebrities are intended purely as parody and fantasised depictions often relating to a particular news story, and often parodying said story and the media and pop cultural representation of said celebrity as much as anything else. Who am I really satirising? Read more.

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