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It’s National Orgasm Day!

31st July 2018

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Britney Spears double-teamed

With today indeed being National Orgasm Day (Wikipedia) on which all are expected to do their patriotic duty and give some un-faked O face, The Daily Mail helpfully lists for its gossip reading, predominantly female audience (independent.co.uk, Mar. 2017) all types of orgasms fems can have just in case any opportunities are being missed:

Revealed: The 12 different types of orgasms ALL women can experience (including the snoregasm which happens WHILE you sleep) (dailymail.co.uk).

To celebrate National Orgasm Day on Tuesday, British sex and relationship expert Audrey Andrews has explained the different types of climaxes women are able to experience, and how to have them.

Ranging from:

  1. the basic clitoral orgasm, long seemingly as bland as the missionary position
  2. the semi-mythical G-spot seemingly requiring finger insertion and sultry come hither upwards motion (healthline.com, Jun. 2018)
  3. the blended orgasm from having multiple erogenous parts jiggled simultaneously
  4. the cervical orgasm from going as big and deep as possible
  5. the urethral orgasm, supposedly responsible for the ejaculatory “squirting” much seen in modern porn although somewhat questionable exactly what it it gushing out
  6. the A-spot orgasm, seemingly being somewhere inside and further up the alphabet near your belly button than the G-spot
  7. the anal orgasm, again suggestive that some woman do orgasm all the more from having it up the bum (Pick of the Week 31st Aug. 2015) and enjoy more than just for a one-off novelty to please porn watching partner
  8. the nipple orgasm leaving you with semi-permanent Scania wheeelnuts
  9. the multiple orgasm presumably during one or a spectacular combination of the above
  10. the coregasm experienced in the abs by those with a penchant for a vigorous workout leaving curiously dripping wet dumbbells and exercise bike saddle after solo session in the gym
  11. the sleep-gasm a.k.a. snoregasm being either the female equivalent of the male wet dream or the ultimate in passivity if indeed with a partner at the time
  12. the paranormal sounding Expanded Sexual Response (ESR) which seems to involve activating all your nerves at once with much flash of light, bursts of colour and out-of-body-experience allowing you to look down upon the monkey-sized Fuselian incubus (Wikipedia) DPing you with an enormous cucumber and a possessed aubergine.

And with The Current Bun giving less sleep-gasm and out-of-body ESR orgasm and actually giving more straightforward relationship advice yesterday to make sure today’s the day rather than the usual once weekly Sunday session (marieclaire.co.uk, Jun. 2017) for those that struggle enough as it is with getting their share of O face:

O yes! 18 ways to have the best sex of your life on National Orgasm Day, from becoming a pro at self-love to booking in time for quickies (thesun.co.uk).

The USA-based therapist [Dr Juliana Morris], speaking ahead of National Orgasm Day tomorrow, has launched a course called The Wanting—aimed at helping women who struggle to have an orgasm.

Dr Morris described as being “on a mission to help women discover their sexuality… and have their best orgasm” and to assist “the wanting” helping to “create a line of vegetarian sex toys” which I believe used to be described as the enormous cucumber but more self-possessed aubergine described above.

Her tips include:

  1. Know yourself first, so best Google it if don’t know where your clitoris is as he’s likely to think it’s some kind of Liquorice Allsort you are asking him to lick
  2. Communicate with your partner, so if you do really want to try it up the bum then the topic will have to be broached before he just puts it in your minge for a few seconds before rolling over to put the football on
  3. Address what’s distracting, perhaps losing the remote control before TV is switched on and insisting smartphones are switched off for some frantic, anxious hate sex before Facebook feed can be checked again
  4. Take turns, for sure, if he wants you to suck his then he should be licking yours, and if he wants to put it up your bum, then go get the strap-on for your turn after
  5. Hygiene, indeed, if you can smell it before you see it…
  6. Fantasy, play preferably not involving have your cake and eat it Brexit and shouting “This is Lil’ England!” at climax

Video: Lovehoney’s new TV advert features couples having orgasms (dailymail.co.uk).

Lovehoney’s new TV advert features real couples ripping each other’s clothes off and enjoying an orgasm. It has been given the all clear to be screened on mainstream television after the 9pm watershed.

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Tags: orgasm.

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